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Joke of the Day

"""Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil's avocado sometimes"" Teacher: devil's advocate? Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no."

"Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO."

"Minimalism... It's the least you can do."

"I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! drops mic"

"My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, ""I miss you dad, please take me fishing."" But it keeps coming out like, ""Hey, can I have $20 dollars."""

"Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?"

"I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot. The waiter just shrugged it off. ""I'm sorry sir,"" the waiter told him. ""All snails are final."""

"What do you call an detective's glasses? Inspectacles"

"You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now"

"Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!"