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Joke of the Day

"The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me. It's like being a teenager again."

"Workout Tip: Be paid millions of dollars to star in a superhero movie."

"My haircuts are just like my sex life Usually do it myself and there's a big mess I hate cleaning up afterwards."

"Two birds are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says ""Can you smell fish?"""

"People without profile photos, put your photo up 'cause there's no way you're as fat as we're all imagining."

"Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots."

"Whole foods? More like whole paycheck."

"What's the most electronegative state? Fluorida!"

"I made a joke. I had a threesome once... I think I sprained both my wrists"

"[date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct"