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Joke of the Day

"Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along."

"This Halloween I will be dressing up as Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 by RSVPing to all possible parties & attending absolutely none of them."

"Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number."

"What do you call a phallic shaped potato? A dictator."

"What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole [insert name of political opponent here]'s tie"

"The bartender says ""we don't serve your kind here."" A time traveller walks into a bar."

"The truth about Chemistry Chemistry is all about experiments. Because Chem-is-try."

"What do you do for a living? I herd cattle. Ah, you're a rancher? No, I'm a Zumba instructor."

"How can you tell that the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of *both* sides of his mouth."

"What do you call a penis with stamps on it? Male. Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package."