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Joke of the Day

"Jack is coming over. ""Jack from work or Jack and the..."" [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]"

"That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor."

"If you watch 2016 backwards, it's a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet."

"If everybody became a zombie, which zombie would be the most life-threatening one? None of them, since everybody is already dead."

"Did you hear about the lesbian with no arms? She couldn't hold her licker."

"Did you hear about the farmer running the illicit sex ring? Apparently it was a pig fucking deal."

"Mom: Why is your room always so... Mom: Why is your room always so messy? Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they'll trip over something and die."

"hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected"

"i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat... so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer"

"BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go"