53838

Joke of the Day

"How is marriage and CPR training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again"

"What's the difference between a kitten and your wife? You actually want to cuddle a kitten after you fuck it."

"The Story Of My Life"

"It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids."

"Drinking causes memory loss. And then, drinking causes memory loss."

"What's Jian Ghomeshi's favorite vegetable? Artichoke."

"A guy ate part of his own arm while tripping on acid. After he found out what he'd done, he shit himself."

"Ad: You like to save money, right? Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary"

"Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then."

"Answering Machines ""I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person."""