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Joke of the Day

"I drank too much water I'm going to pee for it later."

"I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!"

"Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese? Because he's not a rat."

"I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant"

"Are we dangerous? ""Yes"" replied mother earth."

"""Feeling sad? We can help make it worse"" - online dating"

"Who burns their own city down? The people of Ferguson."

"Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all."

"Buy an aquarium. Don't buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish."

"[First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?"