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Joke of the Day

"Would you rather have parkinsons or alzheimers? Personally I'd rather have parkinsons, cos I'd rather have half a pint than forget where I've put it!"

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"[24hr news channel] news just in.. *director repeats himself into headset* news justin *justin just sits there* READ THE NEWS JUSTIN"
"What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer."
"I just ordered the wrong meat it was a misteak"
"What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums."
"If I had a dollar for every time someone calls me a racist I'd have $0.60."
"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers."
"What do you call a disease that only effects ducks? A mallard-y"
"A lawyer dies and goes to heaven..."
"Blood is Thicker than water, but maple syrup is Thicker than blood. Therefore, pancakes are more important than family."