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Joke of the Day

"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"Me: So you're an Atheist? Him: Yup! Me: So what year is it? Him: 2015 Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?"

"A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars The Judge asked ""First time offender?"" She replied, ""No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."""

"I heard they found the plane.. Well at least Sarah Palin tweeted that she could see the wreckage from her house."

"Girlfriend: ""Does this dress make me look fat?"" Me: ""Stop blaming the dresses."

"""Keep bullying the gay kids!"" -Nerds"

"Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him? He couldn't handle his boos."

"All that voted for Brexit should be jailed for pedophilia... Because they want to fuck an entire generation of kids."

"My new cooking show, ""Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food"" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!"

"How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!"