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Joke of the Day

"I told my court-appointed therapist I just needed a little piece and quiet. She said, ""Necrophilia is a crime."""

"When I'd go to clubs, I spent half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home."

"What do you call a crazy bug that lives in space? A lunar-tick"

"""Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl"" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store."

"What did the house say to the other house when it fell on it. Get off me Homes."

"Why are there fences around cemeteries? people are dying to get in."

"I bet cats think people wish they were cats."

"Here's a new mythological creature for the consideration pile. Taurustaur. Half man, half reliable family sedan."

"Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch"

"Hey I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is"