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Joke of the Day

"When I'd go to clubs, I spent half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home."

"How many tickles does it take to make an octupus laugh? Ten tickles."

"Chics are like Voltron. The more you hook up with, the better it gets."

"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done, it's a hardware problem."

"How are woman and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave."

"[after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? You suck his dick."

"a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out ""I like bread"""

"[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?"

"2 Fish were in a tank... One fish says to the other, ""Hey who's driving this thing?"""