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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you drop a load in it."

"How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently not 8 because my basement is still dark."

"My girlfriend called me a pedophile I said, ""That's a pretty big word for a six year old."""

"My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate."

"[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit"

"fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey... worst first day ever"

"They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer."

"What do you get when you have an Asian and MLP? My Little Penis"

"why put cookie dough in the oven when you can put it in your mouth"

"Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I'll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store."