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Joke of the Day

"[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit"

"Why are waiters terrible pornstars? They only want the tip"

"sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card. whos laughing now?"

"It's sad that my girlfriend's name is Palmela Handerson"

"Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather."

"Why couldn't the pregnent women watch all of the Harry Potter movies? Because they lactate."

"*desperately tries to get screaming newborn daughter latched onto my nipple* hmmmm. she must not realize I'm a feminist"

"Working for sanitation truly is a thankless job Not only do you have to take your boss's shit, you have to deal with everyones"

"Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it three times now."

"You should marry the first person who can understand what you're saying while you brush your teeth."