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Joke of the Day

"Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban."

"What do you get when you put a woman's face on a $10 bill? $2.23 in change."

"What do you call a belt made of clocks? A waist of time"

"ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask"

"Cajun restaurants' food is so spicy... ...that you want to wash your hands before you use the bathroom."

"[NSFW] MY wife walked in on me fucking my daughter... I wasn't sure if she was surprised by the fact that I was fucking my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus..."

"I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied I shit you knot!"

"Me to waitress: Do you validate? Waitress: Parking, you mean? Me: No. Like, can I read you some tweets and you tell me if you like them?"

"It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars."

"Did you hear of the 2 thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months."