51599

Joke of the Day

"Kanye West demanded everyone to stand while giving a eulogy, didn't go through with it because Some asshole in a coffin didn't feel like standing."

"They should make supermarket camouflage. So people you know won't see you and want to talk to you."

"If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand."

"I bet you I could stop gambling."

"[posing nude] ME: make sure to capture all of my body's contours DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo"

"The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize."

"Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?"

"Did you know two melons of the same sex can't marry? Does that mean they cantaloupe? *Thanks to My Drunk Kitchen!"

"I wish I could crowd surf to work."

"I'm working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first."