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Joke of the Day

"Trying to make a video fullscreen, my dad asked me, ""How do I big it?"" Silly dad, the internet told me all you have to do is be a Christian."

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"I'll never cheat on another test... It keyed my car and told the cops I beat it up"
"I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing."
"""I love you. I love you. Pay attention to me. I love you. Ok I'm fed now. I HATE YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"" - Cats"
"My two friends Rod and Kurt started a business the other day... You should look it up, it's called Kurt and Rod's Curtain Rods."
"""hello pretty lady."" [i slide down the bar] ""what's your name?"" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye."
"Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*"
"Good slumber party questions: - What's the furthest underground you've ever eaten a burger - How many necks have you touched - What's pesto"
"This morning I combed my son's hair sideways and to the front then yelled ""you just got Bieber'd!"" He's not talking to me."
"[Lizard Enterprises HQ] Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here? Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?"