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Joke of the Day

"What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip? Coo."

"At this point I'm a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me."

"It's not a matter of WHEN the world will end... ...it's WHICH Applebee's you find out at."

"Father walks in son's room and catches him masturbating........ Father says, ""Son if you don't stop that you'll go blind."" Son responds, ""Dad, I am over here."""

"Knock Knock, Who's there? Fuckin' Jenny. Now gild me and give me upvotes."

"Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me."

"(Grabs store intercom) Would whoever dropped the list with ""pizza"" and ""wine"" on it in the cart come to the front? We need to be friends."

"Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!"

"[spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea"

"Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life."