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Joke of the Day

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don't get to read my tweets."

"Did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song? Don't have source, but now that I think about it, it may have been a rap"

"Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self. P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."

"What do I have in common with neutrinos ? We're both constantly penetrating your mom"

"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why."

"Son: ""Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"" Dad: ""Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."""

"How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'"

"If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting."

"[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head] 1st time: ""aww cuuuute"" 2nd time: ""ha okay"" 3rd time: ""i am trapped in a nightmare"""

"ISIS has a lot in common with Little Miss Muffet They've both got Kurds in their way"