50156

Joke of the Day

"Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I'm bored. Sounds like my sex life at the moment"

"Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table"

"Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*"

"Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour."

"My blood type is coffee."

"My friend sat on my drink... It went flat"

"""I'd tap that."" ~tap dancer, about a song he really likes"

"Tired? There's a nap for that"

"My mother said I could never build a car out of spaghetti You should've seen her face when I drove pasta"

"Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live."