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Joke of the Day

"What is Force equal to? Double penetration, with respect to time. (F=dp/dt) I'll see myself out"

"Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name - The Ped-o-file"

"It's that time of year. Can't stop eating cornucopias."

"My crush said we can't be together because he's seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different."

"Most of the lies I tell aren't even true."

"Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers."

"(Me playing guitar) 3: Daddy what's this song called? Me: Going Nowhere. 3: I know that but what's this song called? Burned by a 3yo."

"I miss being a sperm. I wish life was simple again."

"I'm not sure how I can prove it, but I think I'm actually more stupid since joining Twitter..."

"My exercise routine is a running joke."