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Joke of the Day

"Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again."

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"I could understand Eve's choice to doom all of humanity if she'd been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused."
"How do you stop a taliban tank ? Shoot the Guy Pushing it"
"[pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY ""YOUR MAJESTY."""
"TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you're on offer it a chip. If it eats it you're on a seagull. Disembark immediately"
"When a man hates takoyaki Does it mean it is takoyucky?"
"[Jaws 5] Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark? Spielberg: ACTION!!"
"Sorry about the typos lately you gays."
"What is a prime way of knowing when a retard is thirsty? He'll have water on the brain."
"""Nope, it needs more vowels"" - Hawaiians"
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