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Joke of the Day

"My Gpa said... My Grandpa said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support."

"Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day i decided to get sober. And tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I decided sobriety wasn't for me."

"I haven't jerked off in almost a month I guess you can say I haven't been feeling myself lately"

"(NSFW) I made my girl so wet last night... ...that bitch is STILL crying..."

"Every month I clean my shower with an ammonia based solution... ... Which is ironic because ammonia is what made it dirty in the first place."

"Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I'll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two."

"Have you heard what they say about luck? It could be raining pussy and I'd get slapped in the face with a sweaty dick."

"[first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*"

"If Batman and Catwoman had a kid it would be called Batcat; or the more unfortunate ManWoman."

"Why does Islam marginalize their women? Because she ain't special, Shiite."