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Joke of the Day

"My kid's favorite joke right now: Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. ... omg that is SO gross"

"I went to the doctor today and he told me to stop masturbating so much. ""Why?"" I asked. ""Because I'm trying to examine you."""

"How does a duck swim from one side of the pond to the other? Very Quackly"

"What's your ringtone? That's nice. Mine's a light shade of brown."

"I don't know how to tell my friends . . . that rather than hang out with them, I would prefer to be at home, alone, daydreaming about having better friends I would actually want to hang out with."

"It's never easy to look at someone and tell them 'That thing we both felt, that thing you saw inside of me, it just isn't there anymore'... Especially when its your obstetrician!"

"Hockey is the only place where Waving your stick in someones face will get you the box."

"Snotty bitch in the elevator was looking down her nose at me. So I had to ask her, ""Lady, can I smell your pussy?"" Indignantly, she said, ""No, you may not!"" ""Oh, well, then it must be your feet!"""

"Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long? The can't handle stares."

"What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. What else smells like blue paint? Solvent abuse rehab"