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Joke of the Day

"Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove."

"I hate when I give people nicknames like ""stupid face"" on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is."

"I went to the doctor and said, ""My penis is burning."" He said, ""That means someone is talking about it."" - Garry Shandling. RIP."

"I made a chicken salad today... The bastard didn't even eat it."

"No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter."

"A man's wife died and he called wife's parents many times after some time Mother in Law: Stop calling. How many times we need to tell you that she died? Man: It pleases me to listen that she died."

"After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions."

"They said I'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I'm REALLY into frogs."

"Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! "

"Where do cows go on movie night? To the moooovie night."