47533

Joke of the Day

"""Hey, I can see my house from here!"" - homeless people, almost all the time"

"Poor Susie! Q: Why couldn't Susie ride the swings? A: Because she has no arms! Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie!"

"if accidentally consumed consult a doctor immediately, phew good thing i did it on purpose"

"Learned today that it's about 12 min after realizing there's no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are"

"Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security."

"What did the peasant say when he went surfing in the Russian Revolution? Serf's up!"

"I wish a girl would give me a chance so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents."

"A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks, ""why the long face?"" The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says ""it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"""

"3YO: ""How do babies get out of bellies?"" ME: ""Look! Ice cream!"" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: ""How do babies get out of be---"""

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts."