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Joke of the Day

"American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?"

"[date] Her: ""Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I'm a sagittarius, what are you?"" Me: *halfway out the door* ""Educated."""

"I think I will start calling my wife ""My Customer"" since she is always right..."

"Removing the skin of an orange... That's appealing."

"If I wrote an autobiography I bet it wouldn't sell Story of my life.."

"A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first The leaf. The rope stopped the emo"

"What does a guy think in the middle of a blowjob? Fuck i'm broke."

"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Toucan."

"Which web developer enjoys finding bugs? A spider!"

"[very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second"