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Joke of the Day

"People that pronounce vase like ""voz"" make me want to punch them in the foz."

"Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a huge mansion? Neither did she"

"I'm going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say ""This is Sparta."""

"So I just found out my grandpa was in the Holocaust. He worked up in one of the guard towers"

"Just ONCE, I'd like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood."

"I just made this one up: What kind of Internet creep can swim the fastest? A TOR pedo."

"[hiding in pantry from murderer] [quietly tries to open bag of chips]"

"[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying] ""It's negative"" Lemme see it [reads] 'Not prego. Just fat. And ugly' Wow that's really negative"

"I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use ""sliced bread"" as our basis for great inventions."

"Celebrating National Sex Day the only way I know how Not having it."