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Joke of the Day

"How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth."

"PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away ""surrounded by family,"" do you picture murder, or suicide?"

"I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn't going to sit outside with her... Long story short, I'm sitting outside with her."

"How many corporate drones does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's impossible, because they can't climb the ladder."

"Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car."

"I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange.. I've seen Stranger Things."

"[spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR"

"I chained up my trophy wife in the basement... She's atrophy wife now."

"Autocorrect: Without it you're fucked. And with it you're ducked."

"""You should leave your wife..."" The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning..."