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Joke of the Day

"My walls are closing in. Crawling in my skin my Cell walls are closing in? HELP!"

"5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument."

"I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on my with my dad.... Can't belive I'm going to be an uncle."

"What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7? An on-call-ogist"

"When life hands you women, make women laid."

"What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order."

"What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons? jose and josB (Hose A & Hose B)"

"What's the difference between a school and an ISIS training camp? I don't know, i just fly the drone"

"So I talkedto a gender studies graduate the other day. I told her I wanted a #1 combo with no tomatos or onions."

"Why do GPSes work really well in Washington state? There are lots of Seattleites there!"