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Joke of the Day

"5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument."

"if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd"

"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]"

"I learned two things in prison. Don't sweat the petty, and don't pet the sweaty!"

"An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan... An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, ""It's getting hot in here!"", and the sausage replies ""Wow! A talking egg!"""

"Me to 4 yr old niece: your shoes are on the wrong feet Niece looks down and says: I don't have any other feet Outsmarted again."

"muffins So there were these two muffins. They go into the oven and one muffin says to the other ""is it hot in here or is it just me?"" The other muffin says ""HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"""

"[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight [11:00pm] yay i did it! [11:01pm] *preheats oven*"

"I'm boycotting terrorism From now on I'm drinking all of my whiskey neat, no more ISIS"

"ok honey, you're going to love this movie. all you need to know is that ""robocop"" is short for ""robot cop"""