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Joke of the Day

"My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her."

"True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable."

"""I don't think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions"" -Me when someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to."

"Dig a hole all the way to China, poke your head out and yell ""YOU GUYS BUILT THIS SHOVEL IT'S A GREAT SHOVEL JUST WANTED TO SAY HEY!"""

"Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with."

"1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say ""My wife is out of town, I miss you"". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day."

"Bernie supporters voting for Trump isn't like drinking bleach, its like drinking castor oil... we know its going to be awful, but we have something we *really* need to get rid of."

"*shoots self in foot* ""Damn i like the metaphor better"""

"I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early"

"What do you call the 72 virgins that Allah gave isis? Goats"