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Joke of the Day

"Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!"

"Why did Heisenberg have a miserable sex life? Because when he found the correct position, he didn't have the momentum, and when he finally found the time, he didn't have the energy."

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

"My wife accused me of being transgender... So I packed her things and left."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple."

"What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities"

"I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind."

"I'm exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I'm slurring my words."

"You could give me 67 years to do something and I wouldn't do it until the night before."

"If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass"