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Joke of the Day

"I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower."

"Are news readers secretly insulting you? **Moron this story later.**"

"I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard."

"How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A sumo wrestler shaves his legs."

"What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!"

"What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? Wataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"I'll never sleep with a golfer again. The last one kept trying to use a wedge to get the ball in the hole."

"Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting ""The Walking Dead."" Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you."

"The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline"

"I've had a really bad day. First, my wife got ran over by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver."