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Joke of the Day

"Autocorrect just changed ""what are your plans"" to ""plants"". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or sunflowers?"

"Pregnancy is like politics you vomit a lot and at the end you get something you don't want."

"every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it"

"[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]"

"Why was Freddie Mercury a great front-man for Queen? He could perform ""Under Pressure""."

"What have Disney and the U.K. got in common? Both dropped the EU And screwed over a lot of people"

"Why did the mafia cross the road? Hey forget about it"

"I like Jesus... But he loves me. It's an awkward friendship."

"What is the chemical composition of a fire hydrant? K9P."

"Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets."