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Joke of the Day

"A stranger called me the other day and told me to meet him at the cemetery at midnight. What a fucktard. He didn't even come."

"I believe in strict gun control [gun sneaks toward front door] Where do you think you're going at this hour? [gun hangs head & turns around]"

"Why did the blond not come out of the shower? Because the bottle said to lather, rinse, and repeat."

"Invitations: $10 Cupcakes: $15 Facility rental: $100 Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless Math of a mother"

"You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like."

"I will not kill my coworkers I will not kill my coworkers I will not.... Maybe just one..."

"Where did the little Asian girl go when the little boy dropped by? Everywhere."

"I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!"

"I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep."

"I wear a French maid's outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework."