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Joke of the Day
"Women seem to think I'm an asshole... but I prefer to think of myself as an opposite sex offender."
Next Joke
"In Soviet Russia Assholes are like Opinions KGB only lets you keep one of them"
"Me: *Asks question on snapchat* Them: *Answers question on snapchat* Me: ""Wait, what did I ask again?"""
"Well quit blocking my knife if you don't like being stabbed in the hands."
"""Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?"" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other"
"Quick! I need cheesy science jokes!!"
"What's the difference between a lazy overeater and a flirtatious emo? One is Sloth the Gluttonous the other is Goth the Sluttiness. Yep made that up on the way home today... Sorry."
"My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito."
"[Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm ""latte"" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer"
"What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C."