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Joke of the Day

"Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?"

"Aren't you glad you no longer have that ""Call Me Maybe"" song in your head? Oops. Sorry. #SoCallMeMaybe!"

"Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning..."

"Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside"

"I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up, dried out and stashed in the freezer."

"Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big."

"Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back... Make sure she's not standing in front of a mirror."

"Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio?!?! and the steering wheel, the dashboard, the windshield...."

"I farted in a room of hipsters I watched them fight each other over who heard it first."

"I used to hang out with a guy who was covered in mushrooms. He was an all around fun guy."