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Joke of the Day

"New slogan for cats: ""Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."""

"Just cleaned out my desk. Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp. Good news: I found the plane!"

"My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.... I said Decepticons... She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed I shot the toaster we all had a good time."

"I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish I can't wait till they see it"

"*sets trap* *snares the Easter Bunny* *pats his head* *lets him go* What?!?...What did you think I was going to do, you savages."

"People used to laugh at me when I said ""I want to be a comedian."" Well, nobody's laughing now."

"ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film HIPSTER: I preferred the original M: Original? What original? H: Nosfera One."

"A new source of electricity is found! Lincoln is is infinitely rolling in his grave right now. We can use that somehow."

"(telling a ghost story) You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That's adulthood coming for you! *all the adults start screaming*"

"I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon."