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Joke of the Day

"I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes"

"It's been about 3 years since my last drink and I'm still hungover."

"Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath... She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water."

"I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band."

"""We're halfway there... wow-ohh!! Livin' on a vain hope to which the Universe is indifferent!"" - Athiest Bon Jovi"

"I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20."

"Why are you breaking up with me? ""You treat your dog like a baby. It's weird"" Shh *puts hands over dog's ears* he's 26 months he understands"

"Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone."

"What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows."

"Fuck! I have to fly to California to prevent a forest fire. THIS IS TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!"