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Joke of the Day

"Why are you breaking up with me? ""You treat your dog like a baby. It's weird"" Shh *puts hands over dog's ears* he's 26 months he understands"

"The average male only lives to 25... It just takes 45 years to bury them."

"How do you know you are dating a women, not a girl? A girl has no name."

"What'd the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass"

"My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka."

"Why do we still call them newspapers when most of them aren't on paper... and most of them don't contain news?"

"Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises... It was a turtle disaster."

"I use the phrase ""when I win the lottery"" a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets."

"Taught a parrot to repeatedly say ""WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?"" and now I don't have to talk to my kids until Spring so that's pretty cool."

"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water"