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Joke of the Day

"[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?"

"You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again"

"Today, I played God. I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching..."

"Niagara Falls Viagra lifts!"

"What did Cinderella say when the got to the ball? She didn't say anything, she just gagged."

"*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes."

"*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat* *I'm still not sure*"

"When everyone around you has their phone out... I guess you could say... you're in a phony world... I am so sorry guys."

"It's like Maury doesn't even care who the real father of my kitten is."

"How many lives does a Nazi cat have? Nein"