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Joke of the Day

"It's a good thing I'm not a god because I'd probably just end up eating the planets after midnight over the sink."

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"I've got 66 problems and being upside-down is one."
"What is Reagan's favorite vegetable? Jim Brady"
"Why are the dinosaurs extinct? Q: Why are the dinosaurs extinct? A: because they're dead."
"My last relationship was a Forest Gump I was retarded and she was a whore"
"An Arab and a Jew walk into a bar... and they have a blast!"
"What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner."
"Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month."
"regrets? [thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations] yeah i've got regrets"
"[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom"