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Joke of the Day

"If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I'm going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart."

"Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard! Tell him I already have one."

"i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ... he looked at me & said ""Me? how?"""

"Why do you get arrested for walking into an army base unauthorised in the USA? Because Obama doesn't like anyone sneaking in his barracks."

"My wife said she wanted more variety in our sex life. Now I tell a few jokes, fuck her then sing a song."

"Practice safe lunch Always use a condiment"

"Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince's first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla."

"[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him"

"What's your emergency? Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning."

"Husband: I called my boss ""Honey"" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out."