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Joke of the Day

"I always have a note in my pocket that says ""john did it"" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips"

"Did you hear about the hamster who died? He fell asleep at the wheel"

"How are vegans okay with drinking water? They can't eat meat, but they can just destroy a fish's home for a glass of water?"

"As it turns out, ""harder"" is a horrible safe word."

"TIL I haven't actually been having conversations with my furniture... My toaster told me"

"*at interview* Him: What would you say are your strengths? Me: Words Him: Can you say more? Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions"

"Just tried to read an article that wasn't a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend."

"Whats yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard"

"My heart goes out to all the single thermometers that don't get any help from the therdadeter."

"I'm not saying I've gained weight, I'm just saying I don't think my belt buckle should be facing the ground..."