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Joke of the Day

"When I'm at the pool, hopefully girls see the scratches on my body and assume I'm a great lover, and not that I enjoy giving cats piggybacks"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month."

"Two heads aren't better than one if you're both stupid."

"Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder."

"Q: What happens when you eat bullets? A: Your hair grows out in bangs."

"Bobby Flay's sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay."

"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just look for fresh prints."

"A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family."

"*me, at high school prom Me: So, you wanna dance? Her: Definitely! M: Can you tell me why?"

"What do you call knocked up tomato sauce Prego"