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Joke of the Day

"1) Lick tip. 2) Stick it in gently. 3) Pump 12-20 times. 4) Sweat profusely. 5) Pull out gently. -Instructions on inflating a basketball."

"Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die."

"I'm gonna make a good dad one day... Lady Friend: ""I'm in Times Squares!"" Me: ""Did you just text me an incomplete math problem?"" Lady Friend: ""You can barely do algebra..."""

"Someone asked me when the narwhal bacons... ...my response was: ""huh?"""

"Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard."

"Job interview... (Two men are in an office going through a job application) Manager: ... so, what do you do in your spare time? Applicant: I make clean calls to women and hang up."

"I like to send out texts saying ""Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?"" Just to see who`s dumb enough."

"What comes after 69? mouthwash."

"Two melons were out for a romantic dinner. One melon said to the other, ""Honey, dew you love me?"" The other replied, ""Yes, but I cantaloupe!"" ### ...I'll show myself out"

"What do you call a person with no brain? A no-brainer"