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Joke of the Day

"If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead."

"sometimes i get frustrated because u cant put numbers in caps 12 am I screaming? you'll never know"

"I started breeding pygmy malamutes, and I gave one to my SO, but they left me before they saw the puppy. All I said was, ""Hey, you're getting a little husky."""

"When you get pulled over by a cop... A cop pulled me over and said ""Papers..."" So I said ""Scissors!"" and drove off ; )"

"That awkward moment when someone says ""stop"", and you don't know whether to respond with ""collaborate and listen"" or ""hammer time."""

"[OC] What's Elton John's favorite kind of conditioner? Levon."

"What's the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!"

"Teddy Roosevelt pickup line Ayy girl, Do you want to see my Big Stick Diplomacy in my room? ( )"

"What do you call jeans that haven't been worn before? Vir-jeans"

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend and an impoverished Sierra Leonean child laborer's worst nightmare."