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Joke of the Day

"I guess it goes without saying that I'm the Han Solo of Twitter, and you guys are Ewoks. Not even the Ewoks with names. Background Ewoks."

"They say make up sex is the best... Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up."

"Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes."

"Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside."

"What's the difference between Donald Trump and a used car sales person? The used car sales person knows they are lying."

"Why did Obama cross Pennsylvania Ave?"

"I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady."

"Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you."

"I thought she said ""tantrum sex"" and this is probably the most I've ever disappointed a woman."

"My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said ""are you going to put it up yourself?"" Mom says ""no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"""