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Joke of the Day

"How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen Do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men."

"Why did the chicken cross the playground? ... to get to the other slide. H/T - my seven year old son."

"[Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?"

"Get your shit together, people at McDonald's drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn't been the same for the last 50 years"

"My wife just said to me that i'm a Pedophile and it is wrong -Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."

"What's the same about nail care and black people? They're both manicures"

"EXECUTIVE: Calling our store ""Bed & Bath"" isn't working. How can we take our branding to the next level? BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea..."

"The US Census Bureau is known for kicking ass And taking names."

"Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos."

"I accidentally wet the bed I share with my girlfriend.... She's still pissed"