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Joke of the Day

"What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV floating in the air? You shout, ""Drop it, Nigga!"""

"NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

"The thermostat was invented 125 years ago, but I have yet to work in an office with one that has anything but Africa and Sibera as settings."

"I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym. *burns tongue while drinking coffee* ""Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!"""

"Q: What do you call a weapon used by a Canadian ninja? A: Canuck-chucks."

"No matter how hard you try to push that envelope It will still be stationery. ^edit: ^spelling..."

"I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google."

"How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together."

"PLATO: I'm famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph-- It's for relationships where nobody's getting laid"

"Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills."