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Joke of the Day

"Christmas breakup: play Lexus commercial theme, when they run outside have all their crap packed for them on your driveway, lock the door."

"Birds shit on us because we tweet better."

"Professional women's soccer is so boring. Why am I even jerking off to this?"

"Carl: Cold out night. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders' ability to make webs. Me: Fair enough."

"Dentist: ok open up ""Well I guess it all started when my dad left..."" Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish"

"Well why on Earth do you want to know?!?!! Do defensive time travellers exist?"

"[Trigger Warning] [Deliberately Offensive Joke] NSFW. I'm irresistible to woman. ... Only because I'm much stronger than them!"

"I am absolutely mortified right now. I sent someone a DM to my small business center and TinyURL shortened it to http://tinyurl.com/acockk"

"All refugees are terrorists. (that's the punchline) (No that's actually the punchline)"

"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday? He felt his presents."